Friday, April 28, 2006

Mirror, Mirror

This feeling of sudden, random loss of direction can only be lightened when I see the truth in this situation. That no matter what, I will always have my freedom if I allow myself the license to just be. I wake up with a feeling of pressure and anxiety and I can’t understand why. I think of all the people in my life and wonder why they didn’t want to connect with me at the level that I wanted to in that moment. I feel a deeper need to just sit with this feeling and let all the ensuing emotions rise and fall as they very well do.

I realize then that the path I am on is the right one. To connect, flow, communicate, respect, rejoice and love. No matter what mistakes I do make in the path or what rejections I do experience on the way. Recognize that every one of us is finding their way in their own path and it would be a rare situation when our paths would connect at the same time for a similar purpose. But in those moments when they do, is when the magic does happen.

And I suppose that is what human yearning is about, isn’t it? The desire to see the reflection in you, of the process, as it happens for me. There is a sense of implicit acknowledgment then. That we are dual aspects of a non-dual universe, created and sustained for the purpose of embodying this phenomenon of absolute reality. And if we cannot stop to see it or experience it, but carry on blindly as if lost in this illusion of relative reality, what then? Is that so wrong and heinous? Have we failed so completely then? Is the absolute reality still not absolute if I did not take the time to acknowledge it?

Take my relative reality. And take yours. In the times that we connect, I can make every attempt to simply be and allow this consciousness to flow through me and allow it to emanate from my being this moment. Or not try to make an attempt – for that’s like saying ‘try to relax’. When I stop colouring consciousness with this egotistical palette, it emerges in its true effulgent form. And when it does emerge, will you not recognize it too?

Awareness comes when you see a reflection of your truth in me. Isn’t that what we are here for?

Thursday, April 27, 2006

Now, Then

How does one inculcate patience and belief in the process? A day like today …perfect in so many ways… blue skies, green grass, gorgeous emerald green-blue ocean, pink and yellow spring flowers, flowing breeze and flying gulls, golden sunshine and stillness. I soak myself in it completely…let it lift my spirits and make me forget pain – physical and emotional. I watch as the world evolves in the Now. I watch my thoughts unfold in my consciousness, I watch them take shape and form and depth and colour and flavour. I watch how they select others from memory to support them in the synthesis of a ‘scenario’. One that then plays upon my shadow and persona and makes me react to it with feelings and emotions. Now, I am no longer in the Now. Or perhaps I still am but the Now has now been enveloped in a film of illusion. A new fantasy – one created by this scenario synthesized by thoughts and emotions and actions – now becomes my apparent reality. I believe it and get captivated by it, losing myself in its spell. The Now is no longer this ever-present moment – it is recalled only in memory at a later time. The fantasy created by the scenario is all that I can believe in anymore.

I lose myself in it and let it lash its seething fury or dazzling glory or smouldering lure or scathing scorn or numbing fear – they’re all there…all waiting for the right scenario to hop on for their ride. It’s so simple really. I just have to hop on the ride with them and let them take me away to whichever experience I am going to have now. But I am no longer in the Now. I have succumbed to the dream. The Now will only be recalled as a distant Then at some point in the future. I’ll remember the sky and grass and ocean and flowers and breeze and vaguely try to recall how I was then. And I will try to convince myself that I was happy then. And then wonder what happened – how did I lose that perfect moment?

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Waiting To Unfold

What a year so far. Unending self discovery, frequent self sabotage and non stop, eventful living. If there’s one thing that I can say with full confidence about this life it’s that it is a dynamic, amazing, stimulating and challenging ride to somewhere.

Where, is yet to be determined but is that really important? Do I need an answer for every question and wait for the result of every action and resolution to every problem and effect for each cause?

Now? In this moment? Because that is a known impossibility – the answer unfolds when the question is asked with the right intention, the result is evident when the action reaches its total completion, the resolution appears when the problem is truly understood and the effect emerges when the cause dissolves.

So, if in this moment, I don’t have the answer or cannot see a result or am at a loss for a resolution or see a lack of effect it’s because it’s not ready to unfold for me. Not yet. To present an analogy from the recently ended criminal trial: The facts are still being gathered, the evidence presented, the statements being made from both counsels and the stipulations and admonishments from judge to jury continue. Eventually, though, the final arguments will have been made, jury instructions given and the jury will go into deliberation. And all one can do is wait until 12 members of a community, several coming from polar opposite points of views about this trial, will finally, eventually and often painfully, come to consensus and offer a unanimous decision – a verdict that is then the final answer, result, resolution or effect.

And this is the process that unfolds in the head and heart and soul with every aspect of every action, question, problem and cause. From places of complete dissociation and preconceptions and judgment, all aspects of my being stop plugging for their disjointed semi-truths and refocus energy on looking at life as a whole: an interconnected, interdependent and integral whole. And only then does one see the universal truth that was always out there, waiting to be recognized.

And that’s when I will have my answer. In this moment all I can do is allow the process to unfold.