Monday, October 24, 2005

Conflict from Freedom

This then was his final attempt, he vowed. Never again – it was over. He would move past this seemingly insurmountable issue eventually, easily and without drama.

He stood at the doorstep and paused before he rang the bell. He was reasonably confident of his greeting – not really quite sure how this would end but sure enough of the immediate outcome. Was that so wrong, then? Why wait for the ball to drop when at this moment there was a thrill of us being together, happy in our intense chemistry? Because, even when he was there, enjoying the moment in all its magic, his mind was already racing to the future for the next thrill.

Words were always a difficult jumble for him. He spoke well, even though he uhmmed and ahhed quite a bit between them. Often, though, he would begin a sentence and express clearly and lucidly a point and in the very next sentence he would stumble because he had started thinking about what he was going to say. And then the internal dialogue would begin.

Don’t start thinking about it.

About what

Oh, you know. You know what happens to you. Once you start thinking about it you get all discombobulated

Discombobulated – wow, that’s a big word for a little snit like you.

It’s true. Anyway, don’t think about it when you start speaking. Just say it.

Just say it. Without thinking. And exactly how am I supposed to say it without thinking about it?

You’ll know it from your heart.

You’ve lived in Grass Valley too long. Know it from your heart. Do you even have a clue what it is like to date and mate in this relationship challenged city?

I don’t. I imagine it’s horrendous. That’s not the point though. You must do it regardless of whether you’re in San Francisco or Vietnam.

Vietnam…your analogies make no sense.

It wasn’t an analogy – it was an attempt at conveying the universality of authentic communication regardless of time and space bound barriers.

He smiled despite his irritation. His words, predictably bizarre as they sounded, came with such sincerity that he knew at this moment, he was really believing them. Any skepticism on his part would only make him sound like a whining, petulant child… and raise further doubts of his capacity to handle conflict.

You blow me away with your steadfastness.

I hope so. You are in a deep quagmire and I believe I’m the one who can show you the light.

Aaaaaaaargh…. Okay… listen, I’ll do what you say…as long as you promise you won’t use quagmire and light - and me for that matter- in the same sentence. At least around me. At least for the next few days…while this thing settles down.

I am not the one who is saying it, you know.

Well then, stop putting words in my – head.

Okay. Just ring the bell.

He did, shuffling his feet on the damp doormat.