Thursday, March 06, 2003

All Me

Sitting here waiting for a certain time to arrive. Is this a good place to be in? Is this waiting one of impatience or boredom or anxiety? Perhaps, to some extent, although I feel like I am not in my body right now. I feel a certain "sunniness" in my disposition. A lightness, a brightness, like the lively green of my shirt. There is an inexplicable charm about this moment that is hard to describe in words. Yes, there are tensions and worries and all sorts of horrible things happening in the world even at this moment. But I feel like I have stepped out from my skin to take a little experience of the world. Like I am in here but I am also out there. That this world is not just an extension of me, it is my self that is an extension of this world and that I am really All of it – the in here and the out there and there are few distinctions that really matter from this point onwards. The thoughts that I am thinking and the emotions I am experiencing are just a small subset of all the global thoughts that are happening to me right now and all the global emotions that I am feeling right now. These personal thoughts felt by the small I are as remote or special as all the other thoughts that are out there in the world at this moment, happening. And I am this huge gigantic melting pot where all this is happening. This guy who walks up the street with his two dogs is also just me experiencing this Universe through another aperture. What is happening outside the body is equally real and special to me as this tapping on my computer and the whirring in my brain.

In essence, it is all whirring and churning and processing and flowing and struggling and challenging and co-operating and loving and hating and fighting and peacemaking that is happening in and through and to Me. And I can be really still and witness it and thin my filters to allow everything to seep in and out at any given moment in time. That I don’t need to possess this person and own this thing and express this thought and feel this emotion, it is all happening simultaneously and with least effort without my need to control it. Regardless of whether this body and mind can comprehend it through the limiting set of senses, it is still happening to Me.

And in such a state of universal being, there are no boundaries of time and space and causation and every subtle thought or gross action that happens within and without me is an expression of my own Self. I cannot at this point make a distinction between wrong or right, good or evil, happiness and sorrow since they bring me back to a limited view of my self. As soon as I take an identity based on these events I lose my limitlessness and I feel confined in the time and space bound version of this Pure Consciousness. And with that contracted identity emerge fear and disbelief and anxiety. Like I am willingly giving up my infinity to embrace this confined ego-driven identity simply because it is all too much to comprehend. That I want to not want to have the courage to step up to my Reality and that it is easier if I can, instead, bestow that honor on some nameless faceless and all powerful source outside of me. Who can then guide me and teach me and judge me and rap me on the knuckles or pat me on the back, but always as some being superior to me. As long as I don’t have to take ownership of my own effulgent light which is allowing all of this to happen around me. The easy way out. Asking and pleading and begging and obeying rather than embracing and rejoicing. And I do this self-subjugation willingly, almost desperately. This diving into the unconsciousness of fear and sadness. Shucks!