Monday, February 03, 2003

I Need

Being sensitive to my needs. Needs. Such a misused word in this culture. I need to get a break. I need a beer. I need to control my thoughts. I need to feel happy. I need. And this need seems to motivate us for each action in this life. Nothing that we do is not guided by a need for self gratification, however altruistic the external action might be.

Now here is the other method. It’s called flow. I flow in life and everything is in balance. There is no flexing and twitching and controlling and muscling my way through life. There is a certain peace and serenity in living this way that then exudes from the organism and blends with the external environment. This is when I have no tension within me – there is simply flow - in and out. No need to control and no one sitting within controlling, pulling strings, running the show.

So, Need and Control versus EvenFlow.
Which would you choose today? If I know that this moment is the sum of all the causes from the past. And every future moment is a result of all the causes that are being created now. How will the future look like based on this moment?

One minute from now?
One hour? This afternoon, evening, night? Tomorrow? Next week, fortnight, month? Next year this time? Five years from now? A dozen years. 50? When I’m sixty four?

My choices for this moment are the following:

- reject this moment with frustration and want to get away from it all
- tolerate this moment with resignation but want nothing to do with it – not get involved, enthused, excited or motivated
- accept this moment with equanimity and believe that this moment is as good as any other and should be received with serenity and grace
- embrace this moment with joy and be aware of every expression of this NOW through the flow of energy within every cell of living outside and inside.

My attitude as a result of these choices then would look something like:

- anger and entropy of psychic energy
- depression and dullness with sluggish psychic energy
- equanimity and peace with even flow of psychic energy
- joy and bliss with boundless flow of psychic energy

My future as a result of these choices would then be the effect from of these attitudes:

- volatile
- bleak
- serene
- eternal

Sunday, February 02, 2003


So, I want to write this novel that combines my spiritual journey with the autobiographical events of this life. I am not very sure how to proceed, or if there is any way to do this at all. I guess what I would like to write about is a chapter with a theme, philosophical essence, related to personal experiences and also an underlying thread that builds on every previous chapter. How would one do that and essentially why in the heck would anyone want to read it? I don’t know. In fact, I don’t really care if nobody does. This is just a personal experiential journey. I guess I am simply feeling that my writing process has lately become quite disjointed. All the ideas floating in my head need to find an anchor and that is being denied as a result of all this haphazardness in my writing.
But wait, that is okay, right? Why does this always have to be such a structured process? Why does everything in your life need to have so much process anyway? Well, for one thing it helps me focus on reality, eliminates my negative filters that make small daily issues into gargantuan problems, and allows me to prioritize my task list. Also, it is fairly easy to then move from one mode of living to another. For example, if I can make the shift from spiritual to intellectual to emotional to physical personality then it is a worthwhile tool to have – this process and planning.

Anyway, still feeling bottled up here. As if the creativity tap is somehow not opening up. There are so many wonderful people and situations and experiences in my life that I would love to explore through writing. There is this moment and the perception of this moment, dripping in its essential spirituality. The love, the mirth and happiness and all the surrounding feelings in and around it. Why not just let go and immerse in this flow and not look back? Why worry about who is watching me, watching out for me or watching over me? Why not simply blend into the scenery in the most fluid way possible? Without effort, stress, guilt or frustration? How would such an experience look like? Has it happened to you before? Well, sometimes, when I get a bit high but you know that is really not the real answer. It, again, becomes a beautiful illusion to experience, enjoy and then discard as a pleasant happening in my life that will have add to its richness without taking away anything from its wholeness. So, yes, perhaps that is what needs to be explored fully and whole-heartedly. That one should simply immerse in the experience. Never questioning, judging or wanting more. Living experientially but without judgment, preconception and anticipation. Wow! What a concept, guy! Can that really happen in my life? Is it already happening? This moment. Do you wish to change this moment? Truth now. Really? Where would you rather be? Who would you rather be with? What would you rather be doing? Why would that anticipated, imagined moment be richer and more fulfilling than this one? Is it because the quality of your company will change? Your environment? Your presence? Your thoughts? Well, guess what – those are all irrelevant in the long run. You can change your perception by simply making the shift into the presence moment. This moment. Lush, dripping with spirit, laden with heightened atmosphere of divinity and a simple, angelic, mellifluous rhythm that does not question, judge or want. It simply is, and in this moment, I simply am. In fact, I am all that I can be – because I can be all that I am in this moment and this moment alone. Transport this moment into another time-space-experience continuum and I will still not be able to surpass the perfection of this present moment. But only if I do truly recognize that in this moment by itself.
So, stay in it. That is the only way, dude. By and by you will find the Satori that you are seeking.

Let me keep on writing for a few moments more. Feel the difference, bud? Yes, yes I do. And what is it, really? Everything is more pronounced, more enunciated. Clarity strikes in this imbued haze, bizarre as that seems. Yes, the frolicking, the laughter, the music, the beauty the symphony is all evidenced now. My Being sees it and enjoys the capacity that it has of really seeing. Wow, conceptually and really this sounds and is fantastic! It can only happen, usually, to people in altered states of minds. But in here, it simply seems to be another experience to be had.

I will write until 8pm I have promised myself. I will write in flow and with utmost sincerity. Well, why the need to even write? A guy’s gotta do something, have someway of capturing moments. History is interesting even if simply to witness what one had witnessed at that moment. So, don’t think that this is not important in the overall scheme of life and things. It is and I am so truly feeling it.

That voice on the stereo sounds so lovely right now. It seems to be so clear and sincere. That is it!
I am looking for authenticity and sincerity in my life. To myself, to others, from others and from myself. If I can bring myself into the sacred space of such a life experience, I believe I will have reached the zenith of my life. There will be truth in each moment, and insight in each experience and bliss in each cell of my being. Truth, Insight, Bliss – Sat. Chit. Ananda.
You know you don’t have to say anything else after this. Just let it be.

No projections, rejections, dejections, corrections and selections.
Embrace everything. Seize the world.

It’s 8:01 now.