Sunday, May 22, 2005

No Doubt

So what does one do when self doubt and anxiety creep in again and again? Did I offend? Was I being presumptious about your business? Was I wrong in leaving abruptly or even in feeling rejected?

Find that quietness – strive for it with single minded dedication. It’s the only way dude – everything else is really a half hearted attempt to justify thoughts, emotions and actions of an eternally dissatisfied ego. The more they are fueled the further away I go from my reality. The more the disillusion seems real and solid – a richly complex life they like to call it.

And that is what most people believe is the essence of a full life – right? Where you lose yourself in this illusion so completely and believe in it so innately that every thought, every action, and every emotion that emerges from the karmic seeds is received, recognized, revered and responded to. With ‘passion’ of the 'Liver' who lives the living daylights out of life. Wow! What a stud – look at him face it fully and with such charisma and joy!
And I suppose that is okay – right - in one dimension of reality? I’m just not sure that that is the way that I do want to play it out. Perhaps to an extent, yes. But to lose myself in this play without at least a wink and nod at Absolute Reality and allowing *That to fuel my thoughts and actions and emotions is really the passion of the 'Be’er' who lives the living daylights out of Being. Isn’t that the true game to play? Isn’t that the ultimate rush with the ultimate reward of Self Discovery? And once you know this and the stakes are now at this level, how could you really be satisfied by, or even take seriously, the ego driven child’s play?

That, then, is the ultimate goal to strive for in this life. Discrimination between the two games that are being played our and constantly reminding oneself and recognizing that there are dual dimensions to this play of life. And I can choose to participate in either one at any given moment and for any given experience. They will each bestow their own share of rewards – and it is up to me – what do I really want? Instant Gratification or Eternal Bliss?

Still Me

How do I feel about Unity Consciousness at this point? Pretty bleakly I have to say…Nothing really seems to make much sense. There is nobody in the universe that I can really turn towards at this time to make them really understand what is going on with me. I feel bored, stressed, exploited, misunderstood and rejected.

What else can I really do or say that will make this any better, easier or happier as time goes by?
Well, you know what you have to do. Go back to that place that you had found before – that place of "No Me". What are the constituents of Me?

1. Perceiver (memories, fantasies, perception)
2. Feeler (emotions)
3. Analyzer (controller, judge, decision maker, protector, schemer, solver, rationalizer)
4. Actor (doer)
5. Observer (witness, seer)

And all of these thoughts, emotions, decisions, observations and actions based on events, memories, fantasies make me feel like a complete person – one who has built an identity of Me. This Me, then, has a solidity that makes it resist everything that challenges the concept of Me – this mad mixed bag of thoughts and actions.

But then one day I wake up and sense a stillness that sees this Me for what it really is – a fake self that has no basis in Reality, absolutely no identity unless I allow it to be created from this bag – I let it then dominate every aspect of this living experience.
And the underlying force that lets this me be Me – alive and awake and aware? This prana that really is the basis of all of this happening. That prana I can then observe as soon as I let this Me dissolve into the oblivion that it so richly deserves to be part of? What then? Where then will I be?

Who will be left in this wide expanse of a life? What will be the sense of identity? Will it jump from Perceiver to Feeler to Analyzer to Actor to Observer with no anchor in an Ego? Or will it remain as the life force – recognizing that all of these are simply aspects of it – when fueled by its force and charged into performing this karmic opera for this particular individual interpretation or expression of the larger cosmic universe – more commonly known as – Me?