Sunday, May 22, 2005

No Doubt

So what does one do when self doubt and anxiety creep in again and again? Did I offend? Was I being presumptious about your business? Was I wrong in leaving abruptly or even in feeling rejected?

Find that quietness – strive for it with single minded dedication. It’s the only way dude – everything else is really a half hearted attempt to justify thoughts, emotions and actions of an eternally dissatisfied ego. The more they are fueled the further away I go from my reality. The more the disillusion seems real and solid – a richly complex life they like to call it.

And that is what most people believe is the essence of a full life – right? Where you lose yourself in this illusion so completely and believe in it so innately that every thought, every action, and every emotion that emerges from the karmic seeds is received, recognized, revered and responded to. With ‘passion’ of the 'Liver' who lives the living daylights out of life. Wow! What a stud – look at him face it fully and with such charisma and joy!
And I suppose that is okay – right - in one dimension of reality? I’m just not sure that that is the way that I do want to play it out. Perhaps to an extent, yes. But to lose myself in this play without at least a wink and nod at Absolute Reality and allowing *That to fuel my thoughts and actions and emotions is really the passion of the 'Be’er' who lives the living daylights out of Being. Isn’t that the true game to play? Isn’t that the ultimate rush with the ultimate reward of Self Discovery? And once you know this and the stakes are now at this level, how could you really be satisfied by, or even take seriously, the ego driven child’s play?

That, then, is the ultimate goal to strive for in this life. Discrimination between the two games that are being played our and constantly reminding oneself and recognizing that there are dual dimensions to this play of life. And I can choose to participate in either one at any given moment and for any given experience. They will each bestow their own share of rewards – and it is up to me – what do I really want? Instant Gratification or Eternal Bliss?