Friday, July 23, 2004

Designing Life
Yes, it will be hard, very hard on many levels but I have no choice in this right now. I feel that I want to give myself a break from my heartlessness to my own self. There are some things that are best left to fate and faith and I will need to make that hard choice now. I know you and I know you will not volunteer any personal information, emotional support or display any vulnerability to me. So I have to simply accept it for now. Time will tell if this matter was really worth pursuing…whether I am simply deluding myself that this shall, can, will happen. I need to care for myself otherwise this self delusion and self suffocation will grow even further complicated and destructive.

Why am I doing these things? What do I have to offer others if I have such little faith and confidence in myself? I feel that I am working all my potential into the ground with being so personally affected by something that has no more possibilities. This has gone on long enough and there is a time when external forces project into ones psyche and offer insights that one would normally never have. There is a reason why all of this is happening. I know it at an instinctive and intuitive level. I fight it at the intellectual and emotional lever. And therein lies the conflict. My highest and lowest selves know what is the right thing to do. My human conditioning, however, defies all of this and hangs on with that thin thread of hope and despair to something that may already have become an impossibility. Trying to outguess the ongoing flow of life.

What is the point of it all except subjecting myself to self torture? For the purpose of what gain? Even if I did manage to attract your attention by ploys and strategies, what would be the outcome of it all? And how would I feel after expending so much energy in trying to make something happen which does not seem to be naturally happening? Wouldn’t it all be forced, controlled and increasingly despairing? What is the point of trying to execute emotional stability? Can it ever happen? Is there really such a thing as architecting love, happiness and security?

Perhaps there is. But the first person included in such architecture must be my own self. Everything else will then unfold without premeditated design or planning.