Wednesday, January 07, 2004

Pilgrim on the Edge

Waking…thoughts racing through the infiniteness of today…the possibilities that will never be explored, the submission to the predictability of routine activity and productivity defying habits…the reluctance of trying to stay in awareness…. the torrent of thoughts racing through the permutations and combinations of actions to be taken throughout the day:
i. pick up laundry, coffee, commute, work, commute, workout, drink with a friend, home alone;
ii. coffee, drive, work, workout, drive, home, TV, sleep… forgot the frickking laundry….
iii. drive, work, drive home, sleep….
iv. stay under the covers….

Working….theorizing, conceptualizing, coding, implementing, architecting, designing, presenting, speaking, convincing, arguing, worrying, stressing, selling, selling always selling… my ideas and my ideologies, believing, not believing, but always exploring. Why the constant insecurity? They call it the Imposter Syndrome… living with the fear that somehow I’m not good enough, smart enough and capable enough and doggone it, people know it? Does every body go through this? Why do we perform to convince others? Impression management they call it in business terms.

Watching… the spectrum of humanity that colors my life… cab drivers, airport personnel, my cleaning lady, airline (insert- pc-term- here) attendants, middle seat passengers, hotel receptionists, office staff, colleagues, friends, lovers, dates, family… and every other invaluable piece of human machinery that makes this incredibly complex life – happen. Most of whom largely go unnoticed, ignored, taken for granted or forgotten once they serve their momentary purpose in this phenomenon of existence experienced through this I. My I.

Willing…things to go my way…to be that center of energy that fascinates me… trying too hard to feel bliss… or controlling the ‘experience’ of the experience of dancing, skiing, communicating, making love, making chicken curry… the striving for a perfection that can never be reached. Trying too hard to be that person who knows the exact phrase, the shortest path, the coolest club, the deepest relaxation technique.

Wanting… the love that somehow fades away the moment it is the focus of my attention, the life that constantly changes its direction and requirements for happiness… the ecstasy that loses its euphoria almost immediately upon experience. The hope that, once this want is met, there will never be another. Wanting the delusion to be true.

Weeping… for the ‘stuff’ that is no longer… the lost jacket, ticket, dog, lover, best friend, father… that which would have made all of this okay. Ever the need to fulfill the void that can never be fulfilled because it was never there.

Waking…to the reality of what it really means to be here… perceiving these moments in their brilliantly complex simplicity… that never wanted to be perfect… for there was nothing … ever… that they could be compared with… not in the past and never in the future…

Maybe I’ll get there one day… a place of such deep contentment, a cold pond of chilling, refreshingly still water with no ripples, no whirlpools, not even a trace of buoyancy. I’ll take a long look into the cobalt blue surface of my destination, the place that I had heard and thought and dreamed about and I will know that here I shall rest… never to need again.

Until then… I remain… a pilgrim on the edge of perception.