Monday, March 22, 2004

Break Point

So, then, suddenly there was a breakthrough right on the verge of a breakdown. Just when everything looked gray and bleak and dismal with little chance of change without the external influence from someone or something, there seemed to come over me an internal shift that led to a remarkable transformation. Suddenly I was in a place of harmony again – nothing seemed to be not achievable again.

What then had happened? Which side of me was really the reality then – that which takes me to depths of despair and feelings of complete self doubt and hopelessness or the one that helps me soar to the heights of happiness and hope unmindful of what is transpiring on a daily basis in my life? Not being influenced at all by people, places or things in my life and their interplay within it.

These two states, one of complete unconsciousness and dependence on my external environment with capricious, ego-driven mood swings, and the other of total consciousness and independence from my surroundings, with steady, Self-aware presence, are the two ends of the spectrum that I seem to swing back and forth through like a pendulum, almost on a daily basis. What is happiness for me then, is simply to accept that this will remain the state of living for me and that nothing can really change this until I make the conscious choice between the two.

Work is a huge influencing factor of course. The quality and the quantity of it. How many hours of a day do I devote to work? And within those hours, how many of them are indeed quality driven work that stimulate, challenge and recharge my intellectual and creative cells?

Creativity is yet another one that seems to hugely impact my life. The presence or absence of it. When I emote, express, write, design and cultivate, is when I feel a fulfillment that can only be experienced, not described. The absence of creativity – where I lead a life of structure and rote and predictability with one uninspiring moment blending into another are the times when I feel a deeper despondence with life. I cannot hope that every moment in my life will be creative and magical but I can certainly – waitaminit – why the hell not? Why can this not become the norm rather than the exception for me? What have I done or not done to deserve a deeply satisfying moment after wonderful moment life? Who is stopping me from elevating all of my experiences to this level?

Relationship is the third. When I am in deep, fulfilling ones that are authentic and true to my heart is when I feel the bliss from within suffusing all my thoughts and actions. That is when I am truly alive and hopeful. Of course, not all days and all times will be like this but then again…why the heck not? What is really stopping me from feeling this deeply connected with every individual that I interact with? Why not allow every experience the opportunity to find its own magical divinity? Well, of course it is not easy – it isn’t expected to be, right? The whole idea is to create the time and space and energy to do this without feeling forced, fake or flustered. Every relationship does have its merit – this is a guarantee that I will give you when I feel that I speak from my higher self. This is not a trivial statement but it is a very true one. It is really in the beholding of the experience and the being in the moment that makes it all come alive and true.

Love. The Answer

Love is the next. Where can I find it? And here I mean romantic love. Will it find me? Well I have been saying this for such a long time now that it is hard to feel that it will happen by its own. I feel that it is time to give it a gentle nudge. Hell, at this point I think it is almost time to give it a swift kick in the butt to get a move on. Is it me that doesn’t see it when it is there or is it that it simply passes me by? Is that my lot in life then? that somehow the Universe declared that you will have a life of supreme productivity, amazing relationships with family and friends, great sex and wonderful stimulation but, you know what: you have had two chances at love and you forsake them both. So now, there is none left – that part of your life is over…. It is possible but god I hope that it’s not true!

It wasn’t enough to be loved for me I guess. And that is the problem here – when there is such imbalance in feelings, in expectations and in timing. Now, in hindsight, I realize which of those relationships would have indeed worked out and which would feel forced, stressful and monotonous. Again, I realize that is all in the head and that indeed, every relationship can take a turn for good or the bad solely dependent on how much one nurtures it. But here I feel that I need to give it another chance with patience and good cheer – good humor would help too, I am sure.

Feel that I need to write about this love thing a bit more – this just seems to be the week for me to process this – I cannot afford to stay in a funk in a fruitless quest for love and also try to search for it in places of remote possibilities. The only way to find love is to create a space for it in my own heart first. Look within and have no regrets. Feel the love from within and it will emerge in my outside world as well. If I don’t see it inside me then how will I reach a place of generosity and giving? How will I know that you are the one if I don’t first see that I am the one? Only then can I release this immense emotional volcano that will flood in its fire everything in its reach and beyond, leaving smokes and fumes in its wake, creating smoldering passion and violent chemical reactions with anything and everything in its path until it finds its destination in you.

Until then, I acknowledge that there will be restlessness but that need not necessarily be a bad thing. It is good to have a certain, edgy, unfulfilled energy otherwise there will perhaps be no catalyst to trigger the reaction that created the volcano that caused the havoc that resulted in stoking the fire that rose in your heart, from mine. So, yes, love, restlessness, passion, desire are all forces that must be recognized and acknowledged otherwise it may just become an insipid, predictable romance by the numbers kind of experience which is really best left to the Sunday night Hallmark card made for television dramas – since they do it so well and with such formulaic perfection in 120 minutes or less.