Monday, May 16, 2005

April 05
As far as activity goes --- what can one possibly do to keep oneself fulfilled and occupied everyday of ones life?

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Apr 17th
Nothing changes – everything changes. What can I take from last night? That we are evolving to another level in terms of our friendship. And that it is still hard for me to accept it at just that. How then can I resolve it? The only way out is to stay away from this situation until I am good and ready to accept it for what it is – and then hope that I can return to it in a constructive, supportive fashion. What can I say? What do I need to do to effect change in this situation?
I don’t know. I really don’t. I have to cultivate patience, generosity, expansiveness and self confidence. I have to accept what the universe is telling me repeatedly. That this is not for me. That the timing is not right and that the world is working out a formula and process that does not include this personal relationship for me. How to reconcile to this way of living and being is the tricky question.
I have to let go. I have to allow us the freedom to just be real and open and supportive for each others causes. And I have to tell the truth.
I’m sorry but nothing seems to have changed in the way that I feel towards you. I thought it had – and the months in London without any contact between us led me to believe that this had passed and that I can now freely move on through my life.
But, it took just one look at you and all my feelings have come flooding back. I can’t say what it is – it’s unexplainable. I know I have had stronger physical attraction or emotional connection or intellectual stimulation with others before. But the overall feeling of ‘wanting’ that I feel when I am with you, or think of you is something I’ve never felt before. It is a quality of your personality that I find incomprehensibly irresistible. I don’t think I’ll ever feel like this again.
So, now what? Life goes on – and I have to learn to live each day on my own terms and find the love and joy and excitement within it all and take this as yet another experience to have had. But for my own sanity and self discovery and growth – I need to get away from this. Walk away while I still can – again.

***
Apr 25th
Physical disorientation because of the sinus and cold and congestion is making me so aware of my body and its functioning. What is working, what is not in shape what needs to be toned, strengthened and brought back to health. Raw inflamed nerve endings and blood vessels and tissues and ligaments remind me of mortality and the fact that no matter how much one tries, the body will always bring you back down to reality – that it is the hard reminder of where you are going towards, finally.
Emotional numbness as a result of the sickness, and emotional awareness that I am trying to inculcate clarity into my actions. Trying to bring clarity into my deeds and thoughts. Asking myself, repeatedly, what is the motivating factor behind this emotion or action? What really is my intention in saying this or doing that or thinking this and feeling that? When I behave in a certain way or react in a fashion or respond in a style, what is the trigger, the basic seed that is generating such an effect? What is the cause behind this karmic wave unfolding? This takes time and patience and that is what I am determined to work with this time. It will all happen, all in good time.
Intellectual processing in a moderate way…thinking about issues and actions around work, how to proceed with the next phases, understanding what are the various factors and players in this new role and on this new project. And also, as always analyzing my own actions and motivations on every front.
Enjoying the stay at House of Blues – if I weren’t a born again Easterner I would have found this décor garish and loud but here, in Chicago, in the heart of the Midwest it is fun and extravagant. Something that feels big and festive and in joy.
Spiritual instinct is what seems to be re-emerging with the constant reminder to stay present, enjoy the moment, my own company, my life, and the energy and forces within and without that will constantly play together and writhe in this Yama dance that goes on and on from life to death and beyond into eternity. Listen to the rhythm of its music and feel the beat of its cosmic heart. Dance if you want.

***
April 26, 2005
So frustrated, so judgmental and negative right now. Thoughts rush through me in quick succession of spite, guilt, anger, pain and helplessness. All because I have created a situation like this out of nothing. You cannot go to sleep with this negativity – what is the point of it? What is the point of scheming and screaming when all that that will achieve is further frustration and despair?
Why am I doing this to myself? Especially since I have sworn to stay present and conscious no matter what it takes. What has happened today that is requiring this level of self analysis and criticism? What are some of the events of this situation that are taking me down this path of negativity and self destruction?
The fact that I did not stay and socialize with the work crowd after the Roadshow tonight. All the people that I need to further my career with this company were present but I still did not find the time to really invest in the effort. Granted that I was sick and needed rest. But then I come home to the room and spent 60 dollars on room service and wine, both of which I did not really need tonight. Regrets, yes and clarity No. Another way to self sabotage.
.
Frustration around the internet cable connection and lashing out at the engineer on the phone advising him to improve his job performance. I feel shitty about that and feel that I could’ve handled it better – frustration, impatience and illness were the cause of such chaos and confusion.
All my senses are yearning for you right now – your goodness and energy and support. Why can I not have this in my life on a regular basis? What have we done that has made it so hard for us to have such a straightforward connection? All I ask for is a true relationship with you – if it can endure London, Chicago, Houston and all the fun and romance and partying of the past 8 months then it can survive anything. Why then is it so hard?
Or perhaps it is very clear and very simple. Perhaps that is the test and the knowledge of that will make me stronger and more stable. Perhaps at the end of this journey, when all I have left are my journals and my meditations and my breathing and my introspection that is when you will see what I had and where I was going with it. Perhaps then all these years from now, you will see that we could have had so much and with such abundance and with such ease. Perhaps then, but then again, perhaps now?
And as for me, in the final scheme of things, at the end of this day? How do I feel about my self – my day, my life, my goals, my hopes and joys and successes and failures and connections and disconnects and overall attitudes about people and things in my life? I don’t know – I am still focusing on so many events of the day and my role and behavior in them that I can’t seem to let go. And I have to – I must. Because only in that is there the ultimate fulfillment.
Loneliness yes…but ultimately Love. Sadness yes, but ultimately Bliss. Confusion yes, but ultimately Peace
***
April 27th
Stop it! – stop your American screaming and clichéd crap – who listens to this anymore – who gets a laugh out of this?
Picture a night in a room alone, lonely, devastated. Everything looks like it will never become better again – conflict and fear are riddled in your body and psyche and the pain of loss is unbearable. You lay in bed and the world spins around you and all you want to do is to stop it. Stop it all. For now. For good. For ever. And the voices in your head and the crashing between your skulls is unbearable and you would do anything to make it stop and find a quiet peaceful place and you know that you won’t find it – not tonight you won’t. And then, your attention, when it cannot stay any longer on this grief and pain and aching and yearning, because you’ve exhausted every possible karmic seed out of it, at least for now, turns to voices talking animatedly, even excitedly, and amidst squeals and giggles and peals of laughter you try to figure out what they are saying. It is, perhaps an animal tamer on Jay Leno showing silly tricks with a panda or Ellen on the morning show interviewing Carrot Top or some other American celebrity regaling a willing and ready audience with another ‘I can’t believe I was such a klutz’ story on a talk show – and it all starts to make sense again. This. The fact that no matter what and no matter where, just when you feel that everything is over, nothing familiar will hold your attention anymore and that this is the end of life as you know it – something so normal, and silly and routine and predictable and ‘daily’ and human will hit you and stay with you. And you will know then – that even this shall pass. And that there will be a next time and a next moment and a tomorrow and a next year and a next you and a new me and we will all be repeating this cycle again and yet again and it will all go exactly according to plan.
Who is it that has planned this though? And who is it that forgets the plan?

***
April 28th
Throat hurts and is inflamed and I worry that I may have caught another bug even as the previous one has not subsided. This will take another week to heal and by that time I will be on another plane and another city in another country and the cycle will continue for some time to come. The physical exhaustion of the body is complete at this time and I feel like the only way to deal with it is by opening myself to the possibility of discomfort and pain for sometime to come in the near future. Nothing comes without a price.
Emotionally low key – not much has happened in the past few days to really feel charged or numbed. I think about you quite a bit and from time to time the emotions become unreasonable, demanding or uncertain, full of yearning and self doubt or confidence and optimism. It is a jaunty ride but I don’t believe that I will necessary have a solution to this for a while so I am just going with the flow for a bit and not get too deeply entrenched in it.
Intellectually satisfying – making progress slowly though in what I need to accomplish this spring and summer professionally and then take steps to address some of my other needs as well. Financially, this will be a fairly soft season with no great movements one way or the other and that too is okay. I don’t necessarily feel the need to grow too much anyway. This is all good and I feel fine for now. More on this as other aspects of my life fall in line – so to speak.
Spiritually confining in some ways but also trying to bring awareness into the little things that happen daily around me. Watching and observing, to keep gaining clarity on my actions, thoughts and emotions. Observing each situation and judging whether it takes me more towards my goal of stability or away from it.
***
April 29th
Doing it right – feeling it fully, living it largely, breathing it deeply, loving it unconditionally, wanting it badly, saying it clearly, trying it fearlessly, doing it completely, being it essentially.
Trusting in myself – completely. That this path is the right path. That no matter what happens, in the future, at this moment, in this now I am completely living my truth. That no matter where this life takes me – in this moment I am fully immersed in it and every aspect of my life is completely synchronized with this cosmic game playing within and without.
***
April 30th
Frustration knows no boundaries at this point – all my senses are reacting adversely to this situation that finds me wolfing down a muffin and gulping down coffee for breakfast after spending half an hour searching for parking and walking another ten minutes to find an empty spot in a quiet café. Well, here I am now and I feel that all my practice of the last few hours may have just evaporated under this frenzy of busyness.
Or did it really? I don’t know yet – I can’t really tell where this is going – what I really want to say to anyone – what am I really feeling. Admit it. Admit the truth. That a part of it is slight disappointment about not hearing back and not being able to make plans for tonight. If I were to ask myself – do I have clarity around this – I would have to say no, I don’t. I can’t ‘til I address and resolve it one way or the other. Would I feel this forlorn were he just a friend? Would I feel this abjectly shaken up if I did not care in the way that I do? Would I be sitting here and feeling like a fool, a fake, being judged and laughed upon by the world – look - a lonely older man sits by himself on a weekend – trying to busy himself with activity, most likely desiring closeness and friendship but perhaps it’s too late for him to find it in this youth obsessed subculture within this youth obsessed culture. Where the only hope of actually meeting and connecting with someone is solely defined by the number of men that you have slept with, put out for or hunted down in bars and clubs and online and in cafes and parks and parking lots.
So, yes, clarity is missing and there is no denying that. But I do want to trust myself – I want to feel that there is a lot that I do have to offer, and with the right people and right community – I will, I can be happy here. How do I find it? Well, perhaps the only way to do it is by building it for myself – from wherever that I am in my own life. It will happen – that much I can guarantee – it just may take time and perseverance and patience, all of which seem to be in scarcity in my life.
Time. What do I have time for in my life? What do I want to build in that time? Where do I want to invest that time? Where will I go in the time that I free up to go somewhere? Who will I want to spend this extra time with? How will this time spent really manifest in my life in the grander scheme of things? I don’t know yet and that is not for me to focus upon right now. All I can do is create the time and invest, utilize and cherish this time that I have released from the useless cycles of my mind that dissipate it to gather instant relief, gratification, pleasure and succor. When, this time could really be spent in growth, learning, introspection and peace.
Money. What do I do with the money in my life? How do I earn it? Where do I spend it? Where to I enjoy investing it? Where do I regret wasting it? How big a role does money play in my happiness? Would I be happier if I had more to spend? Would I be safer, cooler, more secure with more? Would I be fearful, anxious, stressed with less? What triggers my interest in making money? What triggers my distaste in lusting for it? Why do I feel that it is uncool to talk about it but I still think it’s very cool to have lots of it? And if that is indeed the case, my thoughts around money and its role in my world – then I should look again, deeply within myself and find how I want to make it, use it, invest it, cherish it, enjoy it, expend it, distribute it, share it and be free of it.
Energy. Where do I get the energy in my life? To live, love, breathe, work, work out, communicate, travel, emote, create and have sex? Is this a subtle energy that always exists within me in teeming gallons that I can tap into at any given time or is this a rapidly depleting resource that needs to be cherished, preserved, expended with care and caution? Do I have an internal well that will keep on generating this energy on its own with no external stimuli or resources put into it? Or is this an external resource that is used by my mind, body and spirit to create this vital energy that I then use to nourish those very same mind, body and spirit? What would I do if I realized that indeed, with time and age, this natural resource will get more and more precious and that I then need to find alternative sources to generate this energy to sustain my life and lifestyle? Or, that I need to acknowledge the inevitable diminishing of this resource and find creative ways of using it in less and less amounts, economizing on the quantity consumed by either minimizing its use in experiences, lessening the number of experiences that use it or finding the type of experiences that do not utilize as much of it – thus still providing me a rich life but now a more spiritually and energetically conscious one?
***

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