Monday, May 16, 2005

February 05

Coming Home
So, end of a chapter of life and I don’t have anything to say for it – no way to categorize, criticize or compartmentalize it. It has been and it is over and here are no threads of connections and relationships that I have that would endure even a few weeks of separation.
While I have tried – sometimes quite sincerely – to build a life here, it has proved to be increasingly challenging – friendships that I thought would endure have defied the security of shared times and experiences, dates that I believed would lead to a deeper intimacy have dissolved into unnecessary oblivion, and work challenges have more or less stagnated into those familiar ploys of escaping effort due to ennui.
As for personal freedom itself – what of it? Where has the self confidence and assuredness of the past few months disappeared? Why has, all of a sudden a cloud of doubt and despair descended upon me? It all seems to have happened abruptly without me even making an effort at self dissolution as I have so often executed in the past. There is nothing that I have done that I could not have done differently and produced dissimilar results.
Or is that really true?