Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Sweet Fantasy, Baby

In my fantasy life I imagine a home, a partner, a child, a dog and community. I have a job that is fulfilling and meaningful and a work environment which is supportive and dynamic. I have friendships that are real and evolving. I have family relationships that are loving, honest and generous. I have a partnership that is deeply fulfilling, stimulating and soulful. I have a healthy, active and rejuvenating physical life, a stimulating and adaptive intellectual life, a nurturing and loving emotional life, a fun and sensual sexual life and a peaceful and luminous spiritual life. I express myself creatively through writing and music and acting. I express myself intellectually through teaching, designing and researching. I express myself physically through exercising, playing and training. I express myself emotionally through supporting, caring and loving. I express myself spiritually through breathing, meditating and being.

Hmmm…my fantasy life is quite like my life.


Monday, January 09, 2006

Harmony and Discord

It’s almost as the New Year has begun a week later for me. Today is the first day this year that I feel this newness, and novelty and beauty hit me. There is a kind of perfection as I let this moment express itself. It arouses my senses, evokes my feelings and stimulates my thoughts. It allows me to sense the harmony in my soul as well as observe the decomposition of it into various parts of my body, mind and heart. And I realise that this is how it will always be. This constant construction and deconstruction of ideas, feelings and actions will create the illusion of continuity on one hand and will present the world as discontinuous masses of disparate energy in another.

On the one hand I will see the world composed of completely discrete objects – animate and inanimate. And on the other I will see it as a continuous flow of energy morphing from one shape unto another and back.

There is a certain kind of energy to this day. It feels still, peaceful and quietly optimistic. I feel that there are so many things that I could change in my life but the more I do, the more they probably might stay the same when viewed from a higher aspect of human strife and striving. So, this need to constantly shift energy, shake it up, move it around, change, change change, is the human tendency to fight the natural ebb and flow of cosmic energy – this need of the individual expression of the Universe wanting to do just that – individually expressing itself against the Universe. This need to say I am distinct even if I am a part of you. I am unique and this is how I will show this difference to you. I will resist the natural current that unites me with you and I will flow in another direction. In another way, through another channel. I will change and fight your change and thus I will express my unique nature. But in my heart I know that in the end, at some end, I will lie down, exhausted with this constant striving and seeking to be separate. But by this time I will have moved so far away from this Universal reality that everything will look alien and different from me. And then I will wonder – why, why are things so difficult for me? All I have done is work hard to express myself – why did this have to happen to me? Why me?
So maybe there comes a time when one needs to sit and express oneself in a different way – quietly moving with the flow of the natural cosmic energy. Everything simply falls in place. Every aspect of every experience is filled with a natural harmony that is immediately expressed in feelings of peace, bliss and even flow. Every expression of uniqueness is then simply an accentuation of this perfection, not to show distinction and elitism, but simply to express pure, unadulterated joy.