Sunday, September 03, 2006

Of Human Bondage Not the one by S. Maughm

I've been writing mostly on my personal blog since I've moved here to London...but this seemed more appropriate over here.

Feeling quite strange and discombobulated today. After a good weekend...I suppose I feel more settled here. And then I read the news and check in with my own feelings and all is not well. What follows is a disjointed rambling...

I feel my disconnect is at a deeper level - at first I thought it's emotional (loss and lack of personal relationship, or lack of sensitivity from and towards loved ones); or psychic (processing pain and loss by internalising it by playing the blame game and allowing the critic and controller and victim to run rampant in my head).

But then, when I dig in deeper, it seems to be a pain at a deeper, universal and fundamental level of being human in today's world. I feel my angst and anxiety and frustrations and disappointments with myself and people and lovers and family are just manifestations of a deeper yearning for fulfillment and peace. That even if I have all the items on my checklist...the home, the partner, the intimate connections, the intellectual, professional and creative accomplishments and the compassion to see and care beyond my own immediate world... that this pain will remain and perhaps grow as I grow more mature and more personally fulfilled.

I feel that the loss of global consciousness is the cross that all aware human beings, while in this form and world will have to bear. I think relative happiness in human terms will always be just a self-serving ego's way to find fulfillment in achievements, accomplishments and accumulations.

I suppose finding a deeper peace and acceptance even amidst the fundamental inner and outer suffering is the ultimate goal for humans to live as conscious beings. The relative happiness from relationships and personal achievements will inevitably create more ...the need for more. Of everything.

Living in London now, I see there are the same set of issues and problems and yearnings ...just the triggers are different.

How to get out of this funk and really feel a deeper peace under all this turmoil and trauma??

Damned if I know...but I sure am trying to find out!

Peace and Joy!