Saturday, September 16, 2006

No Choice

“ No matter how afraid you become, you now have no choice. Once you learn what life is about, there is no way to erase the knowledge. If you try to do something else with your life you will always sense that you are missing something.”

This fear of losing – losing hope, loved ones, laughter, authenticity, trust and purpose in life – can only be dissolved by losing fear itself. And that is the key – losing Fear is the Key. It clouds and negates the deepest desire that we as humans have – to live life with authenticity and dignity and the confidence that comes with truly knowing oneself and ones place in this universe.

I feel this familiar fear seeping into my soul lately. Why am I here in London? Is this where I am supposed to be – right now? I feel so, in a vague way – like this experience is happening to tell me something, teach me something, show me something, about myself and my relationships to life and loved ones. But when I get into the daily wake, dress, work, pub, laundry routine… I wonder what is the message in all of this?

Why am I here? Where did I think I’d be at this moment and this phase in my life? Do I sense that I am missing something or am I missing what is already here?

Monday, September 11, 2006


Does this make much sense? Am I all here or am I just this shell of form and structure and thoughts? Is this incessant planning, wondering, rambling, plotting, worrying, analyzing, judging, hoping, despairing, doubting, dreaming, fantasizing, scheming, yearning, wanting, challenging, fearing, reminiscing really the only reason for my existence?

Can I look beyond this mind driven existence? Can I really see the bigger reason for consciousness to be present in this body, this mind, this soul? It couldn’t be for just those reasons….to live in this dream, this conflict ridden self manufactured drama that it seems to have been sucked into and stuck in for what seems like an eternal moment. There is no breaking out of it as long as the mind willfully succumbs to the spell of the drama and continues to weave more and more plots and ploys to keep the story going.

Keep the story going. Of me. Who has occasional glimpses of the stillness under the chatter, the signal buried amidst the noise. But cannot quite comprehend what to do with it. So what if there is the stillness and the vast expanse of consciousness connecting everything, beyond thought and mind? What the hell am I supposed to do with it? Is it of any use to me when I have to really plot and plan and live in this world competing for resources, time, attention and energy?

Even if I do see and sense this higher source, and can tap into it occasionally – through my writing and my meditation and my awareness – will it make that much of a difference to the story of me?

Will I still doubt and despair and challenge and scheme and hope and yearn even when I know that there is nothing that is really lacking or missing or hidden?

Will I indulge the mind, which is like a child throwing incessant tantrums for every thing it comes into contact with, until it is either exhausted, diverted, loses interest or simply sees something more appealing and fascinating?

Will the mind, when it finds the source of it all, of all thoughts and emotions and actions, drop all other striving and settle into the deep, cool, stillness of this eternal, quiet perfection – never to need again?