Friday, January 09, 2004


Feeling the need to create a world which integrates my passions and interests together with my skills and talents and can be expressed through the written word. The few things that I am fascinated with in life are spirituality, sexuality, divinity, humanity, creativity, beauty, expressionism, psychology, communication, large-scale architecture, film-appreciation, travel, wine and food.

Some of the interesting new ideas that I’ve been mulling over for short fiction (well, stop mulling and start writing already):

Shakti: Strength
Kshama: Forgiveness
Karuna: Compassion
Mudita: Happiness
Maitreyi: Friendship
Divya: Luminosity
Shanti: Peace
Sadhna: Prayer
Upasana: Worship

I also want to write about people in my life – women and men – who have intrigued me, inspired me, confounded me and made me think, feel and want to express:
I want to blend my passion and ideas with people in my life, people … writing a composite illustration of my own life.

Nothing seems to really jump out - observations of human behavior area all very good but what is the overarching purpose of it all? Why illustrate through actions of others what may really be the truth about one’s own life? Is it more important to communicate for others sake or for my own contentment? Both, I would suppose. How does one then blend all of this into a single thread without feeling overwhelmed?

Perhaps staying overwhlemed is the key to creativity. When one has to keep at it, no matter what, when the sudden brakes in the car spill coffee in ones lap, when the flight is delayed yet again and one is on the 11th hour of a transatlantic flight, when all that you really want is a good night’s sleep and the upstairs neighbor comes home and tosses his boots across the hardwood floors like boulders on your head. No matter what, to keep on at it, like a good human soldier – that is the key to living this life. Surviving, or coping, some might say.

How to express moving on? Moving along? How to express growth and change? I realize I cannot write a novel because my life does not seem to have a linear direcition – more of a vertical growth.
Pilgrim on the edge of perception. How to understand this… my experiences in life are teaching me that the more I change the more I stay the same. Intriguing concept about downward spirals too – how instead of looking at them in negative fashion, perhaps considering the phenomenon as drilling to the deepest core of one’s self, by eliminating every other distraction, narrowing down ones vision of reality and making it a fantastic offering of single pointed awareness. That then is the downward spiral of spiritual evolution.

Pilgrim on the edge of perception. Everything that I have done can be distilled into a time space event occurrence and document in my perception of it. Do I stay on the edge… what would a pilgrim do? A pilgrim is a traveler with a mission of spreading a certain light on a certain aspect of life in a certain place in this world. As he progresses in life, he touches several points on this multi-dimensional world. Everything touches him at one level, nothing affects him at another level. The pilgrim progresses through these events, witnessing, observing, offering, teaching and perceiving. He senses, perceives, feels, thinks, intuits and judges. He is never affected. He moves on through this world, floats in this jello-like bubble of a world without being impacted by his experiences. He remains in it but not of it. He is always at the edge of perception.

Who is this pilgrim? Where do you see him? How does he behave? Why does he exist? On the edge of perception but never really immersed in it. Like the painting on the wall that does nothing but experience.

Wednesday, January 07, 2004

Pilgrim on the Edge

Waking…thoughts racing through the infiniteness of today…the possibilities that will never be explored, the submission to the predictability of routine activity and productivity defying habits…the reluctance of trying to stay in awareness…. the torrent of thoughts racing through the permutations and combinations of actions to be taken throughout the day:
i. pick up laundry, coffee, commute, work, commute, workout, drink with a friend, home alone;
ii. coffee, drive, work, workout, drive, home, TV, sleep… forgot the frickking laundry….
iii. drive, work, drive home, sleep….
iv. stay under the covers….

Working….theorizing, conceptualizing, coding, implementing, architecting, designing, presenting, speaking, convincing, arguing, worrying, stressing, selling, selling always selling… my ideas and my ideologies, believing, not believing, but always exploring. Why the constant insecurity? They call it the Imposter Syndrome… living with the fear that somehow I’m not good enough, smart enough and capable enough and doggone it, people know it? Does every body go through this? Why do we perform to convince others? Impression management they call it in business terms.

Watching… the spectrum of humanity that colors my life… cab drivers, airport personnel, my cleaning lady, airline (insert- pc-term- here) attendants, middle seat passengers, hotel receptionists, office staff, colleagues, friends, lovers, dates, family… and every other invaluable piece of human machinery that makes this incredibly complex life – happen. Most of whom largely go unnoticed, ignored, taken for granted or forgotten once they serve their momentary purpose in this phenomenon of existence experienced through this I. My I.

Willing…things to go my way…to be that center of energy that fascinates me… trying too hard to feel bliss… or controlling the ‘experience’ of the experience of dancing, skiing, communicating, making love, making chicken curry… the striving for a perfection that can never be reached. Trying too hard to be that person who knows the exact phrase, the shortest path, the coolest club, the deepest relaxation technique.

Wanting… the love that somehow fades away the moment it is the focus of my attention, the life that constantly changes its direction and requirements for happiness… the ecstasy that loses its euphoria almost immediately upon experience. The hope that, once this want is met, there will never be another. Wanting the delusion to be true.

Weeping… for the ‘stuff’ that is no longer… the lost jacket, ticket, dog, lover, best friend, father… that which would have made all of this okay. Ever the need to fulfill the void that can never be fulfilled because it was never there.

Waking…to the reality of what it really means to be here… perceiving these moments in their brilliantly complex simplicity… that never wanted to be perfect… for there was nothing … ever… that they could be compared with… not in the past and never in the future…

Maybe I’ll get there one day… a place of such deep contentment, a cold pond of chilling, refreshingly still water with no ripples, no whirlpools, not even a trace of buoyancy. I’ll take a long look into the cobalt blue surface of my destination, the place that I had heard and thought and dreamed about and I will know that here I shall rest… never to need again.

Until then… I remain… a pilgrim on the edge of perception.