Friday, April 21, 2006


April 19th

Finally over and do I think there was a reason for it all? To go through so much anguish and pain to get to this place? Did I really need to feel this so strongly and so personally to know the meaning of real yearning? Why did I have to travel to such depths to finally start digging my way out? Was the pain buried so deep within, that the only way to pull away was by digging all the way to the root and pulling out with all my strength, so that it would not fester, nor grow again? That the feeling of ending would be so final that there would never be a question left at any level of my soul? Perhaps. And perhaps that is exactly what has happened now.

Why does it hurt so persistently still? There’s no question that this is as final as it gets. And I have successively lost another link in this chain. How is this possible? How do we give up on human relationships so completely when an emotional need is no longer being met? What about the I cannot sustain these relationships after a thread is dropped? What happened here? And how should I continue?

Do I really want to become this person who has no anchor and will float through life, rudderless? Is this how I want this story to be related years from now? Is this even worth it – pursuing life in such a random fashion, repeating the same mistakes again and again?

Never have I felt so bereft of answers.

April 20th

This feeling that comes and goes, ebbs and flows can only be observed with consciousness. It has no meaning outside of the moment so it needs to be felt deeply and completely. But there is no reason to lose myself in it, although, that option is so tempting when the feeling hits me. In its grand hours I want to succumb to its spell and just let myself go. I want to wallow in pain and feel it wrack my body and soak my mind and drench my soul. I want it to end but I also don’t want it to end. Because, in its ending there is the finality of the ending of the dream itself. That the illusion is then finally over and I have to move on – away and forever. How can one survive this? With the help of the time tested tools of faith, friends and fortitude.

I’ve done it before and I’ll certainly do it again. This time is perhaps the toughest one because it seemed so right. From the very start it felt right to allow myself to feel this way about you. I feel no sorrow and guilt for that and I wish you had let me communicate this naturally and freely. But you were so anxious to show me the practical methods to overcome this that I don’t believe you really listened to what I was saying about you. And now I feel that I am left with no anchor to support me through this. That there is no process that will help me emerge from this.

What will become of our relationship now? Will there be one in the future? If so, I suppose it will, finally, be built on total honesty. Where we will have to effectively communicate our feelings, thoughts and fears to each other. Something that you and I both seem to have a hard time doing. We don’t address the issues and leave ground for ambiguity all the time.

I feel better now but I also know that these feelings will come back – flooding back and with ferocity in the next few days. No point in denying that or avoiding them. So, give it your complete attention and hope that it will eventually go away.

Monday, April 17, 2006

Clarity - I

April 10th

The only reason that I am here is because there is nowhere else to be. That is the truth of the matter. This time would’ve simply been consumed by disoriented activity were I not here.

Why is this happening to me? What is the process of self evolution that keeps getting tested repeatedly by such behaviour? Do I deliberately want to challenge the darkest forces of the shadow of my psyche by putting forth scenarios that allow them the deepest access and ownership of my soul? What is being proved by this? It’s a dark, complex mind-game…when your own mind knowingly sets such impossible obstacles in the same path that it previously cultivated with such love and diligence. This self sabotage is routine now. In defiance of my will, wisdom, experience and objectives. It is conducted purely to challenge the laws of divine existence. To stress test the ‘Process’, knowing at some level, though, that the gauntlet laid out and the process of indulgence in, or transcendence of, the experience, and the final outcome of the battle between the shadow and the spirit, is part of the process itself. It is never different from it since it never can be.

But I choose to do it. And I choose to ignore the impact of such actions …those that will cultivate within me so many more karmic seeds. Those that will then require even further actions to process and resolve.
So is that it then for me? Is it that I am, in my reality simply not where I am in my divinity? And that this distance, this disconnect may actually grow wider and deeper as time goes on? Since the more I intellectualise and theorize about spirituality the more I seem to practically push it away. It is an even battlefield in some ways.

But no, that doesn’t seem right either. It should not be this difficult you know. It doesn’t have to be so strongly bipolar. The support that I look for from the outside, when not found at the level of my expectation, creates feelings of discontent and insecurity within me. So much so that even the support that I find from within myself somehow begins to ring hollow and insubstantial. That I am merely relying now on theory and not on actual experience.

I feel defeated and I indulge in self-defeating behaviours. I think the highest thoughts and at the most profound levels. But I can’t seem to find and sustain the power that merges the process of thinking, feeling and acting into something higher, deeper and eternal. It all seems to crumble like a house of cards when encountering a remotely negative circumstance such as physical hardship, emotional upheaval, intellectual confusion or spiritual dissonance.

So I suppose this hard reality is what I have to sit with for a while. I have the time. I have the inclination. I have the tools. I need to find the motivation.

Clarity - II

April 11th
What does one see when one willingly subjects oneself to self examination? How does one react to the results? Does one recoil in disgust, exclaim in dismay, blush in embarrassment or rejoice delightfully? Or does one simply witness the passing of a moment and the living of a life in accordance to the rules that accumulate, channel, direct and exude this energy in and through this universe?

Every act is simply an exchange of this energy. Every thought is restructuring of previous thoughts. Every emotion is a reinterpretation of universal emotions. It’s all there already. It’s all being replayed in a renovated theatre for a renewed audience by a rejuvenated self, masterfully directed, produced and presented by the eternal Self. So, when such a profoundly simple ideology is executed in perfect co-ordination with the plot of the Universe….why do we resist, challenge, question, doubt or deny it?

Will the negation of the scheme forward the process or actually cause friction and hence slow it down, wearing and tearing at the seams and making it all more painful and excruciating than it was ever meant to be. For it was never meant to be that difficult. Why do we then seek the challenges, find the obstacles, search for the loopholes and generally resist the process? What is the mental makeup of Man that denies the Flow and tries to direct it wilfully?

Could it be that in the process of creation of the universe in its own image, the Self steered too close to perfection while creating this self? This self who, although, undeniably is the Self, unconsciously tries to negate that by defining its own path which often is in complete disharmony with this Universe. This obstacle ridden path which creates imbalance and discord, suffering and strife is the reason for the wars and plagues and famines and floods. This steady erosion of the process that creates perfect Flow has its effects in physical and emotional destruction both within and without the self.

What of it then? What’s the point to make? Is this again some standard, schlocky, spiel that is just a regurgitation of past ideas and theories to explain this that is happening? That is simply happening?

What is happening right now?

I see grey skies and dense dark clouds and the dull light of a wet spring morning. Rain pelts steadily on thick green shrubs and oaks, soaking the wet soggy soil which has borne weeks and weeks of such deluge. Stray spring flowers in shocking pink and bright burnt orange refuse to surrender and sway, instead, merrily, in a wild wet dance. The sound of the rain, like music in my ears is rich and complex, like a mash between a symphony and a rock band. The smell of newly wet earth and freshly brewed coffee waft through the air and I feel the uneven coldness in the air as the heater strains to eliminate it bit by bit. I feel tranquil, knowing that nothing I do should be in effort to change any of it.

Clarity - III

April 12th

Wake up in the morning and feel the onslaught of flu and cold. Head throbs in heaviness, throat is itchy, sinus pressure all over my face and a stuffed nose all promise a few days of torturous succumbing to a full blown winter cold.

Why does my body let go so completely to this virus? Where does all the immunity and strength and resistance that I attempt to build during the healthy days through yoga and weight training and running and mind control go away? I don’t know but there is nothing much I can do to change any of it.

How do I feel about this time then? And my writing and this trip to Bolinas? Has it been a success? Have I succeeded in processing out some of my thoughts and ideas for writing and for books etc during this time that I have spent here? Or have I experienced an all too familiar pattern of enthusiasm, partial execution, disillusion, indifference and rejection? I don’t know yet. I can’t tell for sure. Getting positive feedback from friends definitely helps in egging one along the writers path…the daily drudgery that it can sometimes become to simply wake up, brew coffee, pick up pen (or laptop) and get on with it.

Every other thing seems more exciting and interesting then… the world seems to develop an irresistible charm and every aspect of it is designed to distract me from the job at hand. Why write when I can take a little walk in the woods through the narrow path that leads me to the sheer cliff above the breathtaking view of the bluffs? Why write when good friends are around to chat and snack with? Why not read just one tiny chapter of the new novel I’ve started? A warm bath sounds so nice right now. And so on.

But we’ve continued along the last couple of days and it has been wonderful. A perfect combination of writing, breakfast and coffee, writing, snacks and chitchat, writing, writing, lunch sandwiches and then writing, naps, teas, writing and sharing, writing, dinner and wine, discussions and sleeping. If I had been feeling q hundred percent fit I assume I’d be much more energetic and perhaps even venture out to the sauna or attend the potluck or grab a drink in the pub downtown. But I suppose everything happens for a reason and the reason in this case was to allow me to stop and write. Sit and write for a while.

Mission accomplished. Do I want to talk about you right now? Not really sure and not really sure if it is indeed what I really want to pursue anymore anyway. This is not a contest nor is it a obstacle course. I don’t have to cross several hurdles or defeat other contestants to reach to the goal of the winner’s prize. You are either mine already or not and not an iota of striving and yearning and plotting will change that one way or the other. Maybe it might help push and prod the process along a little bit but then one must ask oneself – is that really important? Why not let the larger cosmic pattern play its role? Why try to redefine it? Well, yes perhaps, as long as one is open to the cosmic design and willing to surrender to its play rather than resisting it at every level.

As long as I allow myself to stay in the path of awareness, openness, connectedness I will find what I am looking for.

Clarity - IV

April 17th

In a moment of complete clarity – such as this – when there is awareness and consciousness and there is presence, can I allow myself to completely accept the perfection? Or does it still ring hollow and meaningless? Am I feeling a sense of peace and grace flowing within me, or am I striving too hard to capture a spiritual event? Can I simply stay with myself and let all of this unfold without judgment or anticipation, prejudice or fear? Without the I trying to get involved in it? Sometimes playfully, at others fearfully, and at yet others desperately? Desperate to not be left behind in this journey. Desperate to constantly want to be at the centre of action and attention. Where every play of the universe is solely for it to judge, perceive, sense, feel, think, intuit using both extroverted and introverted identifications with this moment in time.

And in this moment a lot has happened. Two birds have flown up to the top of the massive tree outside my window. And now there are 5 possibly 6. They flew agitatedly as if still searching. My thoughts are fairly still, I write this piece and also am aware that I am writing it perhaps partly for myself and partly for an audience. I have feelings of admonition and self doubt and self criticism but also a deeper conviction that this is a good time. That in the next few days I will really get down to the deepest depth of this puzzle and understand fully what it is about. And why it is happening to me, in such a journey. Why I take quantum leaps into other realms only to be catapulted right back into the deepest depths of earthly needs. Why I can’t seem to let go of this seizing and grasping and wanting – for ownership and possession and identification. With stuff and causes and people and places and thoughts and feelings and everything else that I was always taught to want and seize and grasp and possess and own and identify with to be and become a successful human being.

So, do I need to reject the concept of a successful human being to actually enjoy the experience of being one? Because when I do, I actually live fully outside my thoughts and identifications and I actually do move to the various dimensions that I am allowed to move in. The security of possession and ownership is then replaced with the liberty of universal identification and belonging. To take this moment. To hold it. And to then let it go. Willingly, mindfully, gently and completely.