Friday, April 21, 2006


April 19th

Finally over and do I think there was a reason for it all? To go through so much anguish and pain to get to this place? Did I really need to feel this so strongly and so personally to know the meaning of real yearning? Why did I have to travel to such depths to finally start digging my way out? Was the pain buried so deep within, that the only way to pull away was by digging all the way to the root and pulling out with all my strength, so that it would not fester, nor grow again? That the feeling of ending would be so final that there would never be a question left at any level of my soul? Perhaps. And perhaps that is exactly what has happened now.

Why does it hurt so persistently still? There’s no question that this is as final as it gets. And I have successively lost another link in this chain. How is this possible? How do we give up on human relationships so completely when an emotional need is no longer being met? What about the I cannot sustain these relationships after a thread is dropped? What happened here? And how should I continue?

Do I really want to become this person who has no anchor and will float through life, rudderless? Is this how I want this story to be related years from now? Is this even worth it – pursuing life in such a random fashion, repeating the same mistakes again and again?

Never have I felt so bereft of answers.

April 20th

This feeling that comes and goes, ebbs and flows can only be observed with consciousness. It has no meaning outside of the moment so it needs to be felt deeply and completely. But there is no reason to lose myself in it, although, that option is so tempting when the feeling hits me. In its grand hours I want to succumb to its spell and just let myself go. I want to wallow in pain and feel it wrack my body and soak my mind and drench my soul. I want it to end but I also don’t want it to end. Because, in its ending there is the finality of the ending of the dream itself. That the illusion is then finally over and I have to move on – away and forever. How can one survive this? With the help of the time tested tools of faith, friends and fortitude.

I’ve done it before and I’ll certainly do it again. This time is perhaps the toughest one because it seemed so right. From the very start it felt right to allow myself to feel this way about you. I feel no sorrow and guilt for that and I wish you had let me communicate this naturally and freely. But you were so anxious to show me the practical methods to overcome this that I don’t believe you really listened to what I was saying about you. And now I feel that I am left with no anchor to support me through this. That there is no process that will help me emerge from this.

What will become of our relationship now? Will there be one in the future? If so, I suppose it will, finally, be built on total honesty. Where we will have to effectively communicate our feelings, thoughts and fears to each other. Something that you and I both seem to have a hard time doing. We don’t address the issues and leave ground for ambiguity all the time.

I feel better now but I also know that these feelings will come back – flooding back and with ferocity in the next few days. No point in denying that or avoiding them. So, give it your complete attention and hope that it will eventually go away.