Was, Not Was

And so what is not authentic can never really remain. And that is perhaps what happened with the previous post. I was writing perhaps for the sake of convincing myself – that I strongly believe in something - when every action of mine was defying this belief.

And then, I deleted it without thinking.

Without thinking. This episode that happened today that made me behave so unconsciously and made me pay the price for that behaviour almost immediately. That which left me feeling violated, victimized, exploited and cheated. In so many ways but that which also showed me the way out of this self-defeating behaviour. That there was no more choice left in this matter but to accept the inevitable. That I am getting ready to shed even this. And that now there are no more excuses left. That this authenticity that I am seeking has to be first to myself through my actions and thoughts and emotions. That nothing is being done against me…that those are just projections of what is happening to others in their reality at that moment.

My absolute reality is this and there is no more need to seek relative realities any more. For they will never satisfy the never-ending needs of the ego. And so they must be relinquished for the greater truth in the greater scheme of this existence.

So much for that. So much for the self-flagellations and the self-congratulations.

Life unfolds in every given moment exactly as it should. These losses of physical and intellectual possessions is showing me that whatever was, and now is not, has been consumed somewhere else. And, whatever was not, will never be.

And whatever is, is the truth. My truth. Anyway and everyway.

Where did you go, What did you do, How did you ‘be'?

This feeling of deeper contentment is what I sit with at the end of this period of downtime. I look back in my journal (Feb 22: "Where will you go, what will you do, how will you be?") and read with mixed emotions the excitement and anxiety and wondrousness that I had felt in trying to capture the essence of that moment. That moment which would be the beginning of this journey when everything seemed alive and possible. I knew not how it would unfold but I was determined that several steps would be taken to make this journey an experience worth remembering and truly cherishing.

Well, have I succeeded in that? Rather than quantifying the experiences that I have had - and there have been several - I would rather focus on this overall feeling of inner stillness and energy and gratitude and peace and acceptance and spirit that I seemed to have tapped into. It fills me with a different form of excitement now…not of anticipation but one of kinetic dynamism. A spirit that is ready to take on anything and everything in life – within and without. I want to embody the cliché - be all that I can be - in every which way. I feel like I have become completely exposed to my own self now. That there are no crevices in my mind and heart that have not been examined and explained and accepted and addressed.

And with that process there has resulted complete acceptance of what is a deeper clarity of what needs to be enhanced, diminished, brought into focus or eliminated from attention to make this life and living the perfect experience that it really is. This experience though now being amplified because of the attention that I bring to every moment and aspect of it.

Will I take it on? I’ll keep you posted.