Tuesday, October 07, 2003

Who are we? Who we are.

You fantasize about a life of freedom from bondage of the mind and body and spirit. You dream of a day when you don’t have to wake up to an alarm clock and get on that wash cycle of wake dress drive work stress eat sleep and then rinse soap spin and repeat. You imagine a life of carefree productivity, of constructive retirement, where you will be that person who you think you want to be. Or who you really are but who has still not manifest himself to the fullest. That when you have this time and space and freedom, that is when you can devote yourself to who you really are.

So, while in this wait mode, who is the person living my life? Is this person a caretaker? An interim head of state who will eventually give up control of The Life to the real me? Where, then, will this caretaker go? Or will there be another caretaker who takes the reins, still not the Me who is supposed to live The Life? It’s almost like a relay race of passing control from one administration to another, never really allowing the real ruler access to his own kingdom. The bureaucracy and red tape of governing Me have taken away the spontaneity and pleasure of living Me.

There is no solution to this problem until one acknowledges the passive resistance offered by these temporary caretakers. They who take on the role with reluctance and angst, promising to give it all up and let the real ruler in on the experience. Except, there is still so much to do to create that perfect space that will be good enough and pure enough for the ruler to enter and begin experiencing The Life. Of course, the ruler may never be able to enter because there never will be a moment when All Is Under Control. How can that be? There is no reference to what a state like that will look like. For nothing and no one, as long as there is life and interaction and relationship between different Lives. Because as one Life moves from Point A to Point B other Lives have moved from Point B to Point C and onwards. And so, Point B is no longer Point B but a completely different place – Point B’ let’s say. So, if the frame of reference constantly shifts then there can never be a time of arriving at the Perfect Moment. Unless, if we accept all the points and all the Lives as one single frame. But then there is no external place to view this frame from since everything is within this frame. All points are perfect because all are in complete relationship to all other points. This solid fluidity is the basis for living The Life under the rightful ruler. Where, then there are no points of perfection to reach, since they are all here already. No administrators are required any more to clean up The Life to make it ready for the Perfect Experience for the ruler.

Drifting in and out of the knowing, experiencing, forgetting and then denying of this Reality is the process of living, I suppose. Why should I feel such guilt and fear when I am in a mode that is not one of complete immersion in the experience? Why would I then deliberately create these situations again and again which take me away from this experience of perfect knowing or perfect experiencing? How will this tug of war eventually be resolved for me? When will I say alright already, this push and pull has gone on long enough? That I need to feel that my Heart is really the center of my being and that I need not strive outside of it to seek perfection. That it is okay for the mind and thoughts to wander in and out, down and through as long as they simply return to the serene inner waters of Lake Chitta where there are no ripples and whirlpools and currents to rip me apart or sway me out of control. That the act of controlling such ripples and currents from shaping and performing is absurd since they are performing according to their very nature. That this will only create further tension since suppression can never lead to freedom.

So why try? Why not let this life unfold in the most natural way possible? First is the acceptance that there is The Life. And that there is nothing to be improved to experience The Life. The simple act of surrendering to this experience of The Life will lead to the Perfect Moments that I am so yearning for. That never can these moments be imperfect, but neither can they ever be perceived as perfect as long as I am trying to control my experience of them.

Take this moment. Do I feel that there is more that must happen in this moment to make it perfect? Perhaps, until I realize that nothing else can happen in this moment. There is no space for it, no place for it.