Thursday, April 27, 2006

Now, Then

How does one inculcate patience and belief in the process? A day like today …perfect in so many ways… blue skies, green grass, gorgeous emerald green-blue ocean, pink and yellow spring flowers, flowing breeze and flying gulls, golden sunshine and stillness. I soak myself in it completely…let it lift my spirits and make me forget pain – physical and emotional. I watch as the world evolves in the Now. I watch my thoughts unfold in my consciousness, I watch them take shape and form and depth and colour and flavour. I watch how they select others from memory to support them in the synthesis of a ‘scenario’. One that then plays upon my shadow and persona and makes me react to it with feelings and emotions. Now, I am no longer in the Now. Or perhaps I still am but the Now has now been enveloped in a film of illusion. A new fantasy – one created by this scenario synthesized by thoughts and emotions and actions – now becomes my apparent reality. I believe it and get captivated by it, losing myself in its spell. The Now is no longer this ever-present moment – it is recalled only in memory at a later time. The fantasy created by the scenario is all that I can believe in anymore.

I lose myself in it and let it lash its seething fury or dazzling glory or smouldering lure or scathing scorn or numbing fear – they’re all there…all waiting for the right scenario to hop on for their ride. It’s so simple really. I just have to hop on the ride with them and let them take me away to whichever experience I am going to have now. But I am no longer in the Now. I have succumbed to the dream. The Now will only be recalled as a distant Then at some point in the future. I’ll remember the sky and grass and ocean and flowers and breeze and vaguely try to recall how I was then. And I will try to convince myself that I was happy then. And then wonder what happened – how did I lose that perfect moment?