“I” am Aware
Why does Awareness ‘desire’ to express itself? Why does it ‘fear’ the mind so much? Or does it really? Is that again just a play of my mind to make me think these thoughts – Awareness and Ego and the game that they play to control it?
Is there really such a thing? Awareness that is all pervading and is allowing the mind to forget its reality and respond instead to an Ego driven Id?
Take a thought, a feeling or an action. Who stands behind it? Who is the thinker, feeler or actor? The I behind the verb? Is that Me – the Ego driven personality or something else? If the mind only allows itself to stop understanding or relating to each of these verbs, then it won’t create the “I”s behind them. They will then just be verbs that happen in Awareness, to Awareness and to be experienced by Awareness. All the “I”s that appear and disappear in quick succession to support the verbs will then not arise. There is no need for them to arise – they were only created by the Mind and given a continuity that it labeled Ego. So, that’s it then isn’t it? The mind created Ego as a quick succession of “I”s to support the concept of Me. And since the ego driven Me is owned by the mind, it can do anything that it wants with it. It can make it feel suffused in happiness with a feeling, perturbed by a thought, stressed by an action or the exact opposite with a different set of these.
So, while all of this is happening the “I” thoughts just gets stronger and harder and start actually overflowing into each other to now form a fairly solid, continuous identity called Me. This Me who now feels a whole bunch of feelings and thinks a ridiculous number of thought and performs all kinds of actions. This Me is now overflowing with responsibility and self importance and now possesses an inflated set of memories and projections of its past, present and future actions/emotions/thoughts that it just amounts to now being a product of its Ego.
The machinations of the mind are now completely forgotten, and it cunningly chooses to stay out of the limelight. It’s the master behind the puppets of Ego and Id. It is so clever that they’ve forgotten that their very identity is a product of the mind. That they would not exist as entities; and actions, emotions and thoughts would flow freely in an out of the causal body (actions) and subtle body (mind and intellect) were they not there to receive, relate to and then respond to them. Without the solidity of Ego and Id, they would then emerge, exist and dissolve into the fluidity of Awareness.
But waitaminit now… what is this Awareness and how did it come into the picture? Who created it – the mind? Or is it something even beyond the mind? Is it then the container that allows all this to ‘happen’ in it? Including the mind driven Ego – allowing it to feel separate and distinct from everything else?
However, since it has given mind the power to create the Ego, it can also take it away from it. And when that happens, mind is returned to its rightful place as the simple instrument of Awareness to process out karmic seeds by producing, sustaining and exhausting vasanas that manifest as thoughts, emotions and actions in the infinite expanse of Awareness.
So what of it now? How do I take this information and knowledge and just sit with it for as long as it will take to really make it my reality? When every action and thought and idea that I have will be just that and it will not be supported by a mental movie created by the Ego to build the story of Me. It will simply be a set of discrete events that happen in the continuous flow of Pure Awareness. And “I” will then be employed simply to enjoy the experience of experiencing Awareness.