Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Same Old New Thing

What to do about this feeling of sluggishness? That is the predominant feeling for me right now…like it is all there but not really worth pursuing or striving for? My head is heavy and my throat itches. Again. Like this head cold will always persist …staying on the backburner and one day – soon - when I am least prepared for it – pounce on me again.
Can I let go of the past and appreciate what I have in this lifetime? The ability to follow my heart, clear my head and search my soul? Intrepidly and honestly? Knowing that it takes more than what I am prepared to sometimes give, but that I will still try to do it anyway.

But then, what of this constant despairing and disparaging? Why does that happen almost consistently and fairly frequently? Do I really believe in the process completely or is it just a sham? Or is it a ploy to hold me away from the light for just a little bit longer?

That little bit longer in a cosmic sense might just become a lifetime long in this relative reality. So, am I accepting of that possibility? That knowing very well that I am on the right path, and knowing very well, what the right path is, I still, repeatedly shy away from it?

Take this moment. I feel so aware, almost amusingly so, of what I haven’t done. Or could not do. Or did not try. I feel the passing of these moments and I wonder why I can’t see beyond the film of judgment, perception, disillusion and delusion. But maybe I can. And maybe that is why I am sitting here and writing this. Waiting for the film to dissolve, the haze to burn, the cloud to evaporate and the heart to open.

One has to follow one’s Personal Legend