Thursday, June 15, 2006

The Con

This is so frustrating at a certain level – this waiting to hear back from people – trying to make plans, trusting that people will live up to their words and then be disappointed continually and consistently. Well, there is not much one can do about this except allow them their time and space knowing in my heart that I too have done that to others. Perhaps too many times in the past.

And the irony of it is that I know that it all comes to a full circle anyway – that they do respond and they do return and they do try to make amends, just as I do too. But in the moment, while it is happening, the ego and the mind do not allow me to see past the immediate perceived slight. And then I wait and fantasize and fear the worst and label them as insensitive, ignorant, inconsiderate and every other ‘in’ that I so self-righteously am not. And then they do call and respond exactly when I am obsessing the most about them and then there is this gasping sigh of relief and lifting of emotional anxiety.

But then, while it was happening, I had completely forgotten myself, and my higher self, and now I regret it and feel remorse and guilt for all the terrible things I thought and said. And I convince myself that it will never happen again – next time I will be more patient – and allow them their time and space before jumping to conclusions.

And so, the con continues.