Monday, June 19, 2006

Direct Experience

Why is this moment full of such pregnant expectation? Why do I feel that I want to connect and communicate and at the same time be by myself and just be? Why do I feel on one hand that the world is waiting out there for me to express myself and experience it, whereas on another hand I feel that this is the most peaceful “my” time that I need to acknowledge and appreciate?

Why do I write stories if I don’t want an audience for them? Why do I consistently improve my physical skills if I don’t want others to recognize them? Why do I constantly strive to open my mind to new concepts and theories if there is no one in my life that I would really choose to share them with? Why do I constantly seek the spirit within if I refrain from experiencing it without?

Or do I really? Why do I perform acts and expect others to react if not to feel the connectedness with the universe? And why do I consistently feel disappointed when it does not happen on my own terms? What is the bigger picture in all of this? What is this need for perfection that I consistently feel and then consciously deny by my actions?

Why do I need the constant approval of the universe if I choose to not be part of the universe or be part of it only on my terms of space and time and energy and availability? Why do I then feel resentment and concern if the universe, too, exercises the same rights for its own amusement, enjoyment, self-discovery and whathaveyou?

In this continuous striving for approval I am now aware that perhaps there is something deeply and intrinsically missing in both my internal and external environments. That, although I constantly strive to connect with the universe, I also consistently pull away from it. I create situations where others who may be naturally inclined to share consciousness with me feel overwhelmed or pushed away. And in those situations all I can do is stop and take a breath and realize that it will be okay, ultimately, eventually. But only if I do not cast such aspersion and judgment on my universe. The universe will still unfold. I can choose to be in it, of it, or out of it.

But in this moment such clarity does not strike me. I want to escape but I don’t want to escape from my life. I want to move on but I don’t want to move away from my surroundings. I want to give selflessly but I don’t want to expend too much of myself in this giving and receiving.

I want to be. See, I say that but is that really a specific phenomenon that I feel that I need to experience? Why can’t the being just be part of the living? It can’t be a new, specific experience – this ‘being’. It’s like what someone said in the lecture the other day: your experiences of “God” are just that – your experiences - they are not “God”.