Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Closing Time





Starting the final chapter of a year crammed with events and experiences, most which seem to have unfolded in ways beyond my control. A life led with the intention to “go with the flow” somehow only works when one stops wielding control over the smaller aspects of it such as tasks and deliverables and deadlines. On the bigger aspects of life, such as relationships and friendships, personal goals and living environment, letting go of control appears to be much more difficult . Control when exercised in these situations has invariably created confusion and frustration for me and for those involved in such situations with me.

This awareness comes quite clearly to me as I sit on a flight back to London – again – at year end– a time of simultaneous hope and despair for so many in this world.

What do I feel? I feel that certain steps have been taken to inevitably tie loose ends in this story. I feel that I have worked hard enough to make that happen without being too relentlessly unforgiving to myself. I feel some relationships have to dissolve into the bigger cosmic container so that the energy expended in them, as well as gained from them, can be returned back to the universe to help shape future events and happenings in the lives of all those involved.

There is sadness to see these connections go. Human nature is such that we always wish for complete control in shaping events and interactions, especially with other humans. However, since these involve other humans, there is bound to be a disconnect in expectations and approach. I feel sadness at a level that is less personal and more transpersonal now. The unsaid connectedness that one creates with intimacy of body, mind and spirit feels the shock of a breakup or loss of a friendship but can often withstand it and metamorphose it into another form of connectedness, now at a deeper subconscious level.

When I don’t give this loss or disconnect my full awareness, it gets buried, festering and creating all sorts of pain in my body and soul. These may not be expressed immediately or for months at end or even years. But these pain-bodies once lodged within me will impact my sense of self always, directly and indirectly. The inexplicable loss and sorrow and despair, felt in a completely disconnected situation at some point in the future.

Giving each such situation full awareness and light will help dissolve this pain body completely and without sowing deep set karmic seeds in my psyche. How does one let go of sadness, frustration and attachment? By bringing awareness to this experience at the level of instinct, intellect and intuition. By letting go of preconceptions of what could’ve been or should’ve been or would’ve been. What is, is the only answer and the only possible outcome of this experience. It has unfolded precisely as it was supposed to and I am in it – this perfect experiencer of the perfect experience. Everything is already in it. My awareness must stay with this – this moment, present moment which will happily unfold and then submerge into another present moment and so on and so forth until one day I will realize that I am indeed connected with every aspect of my life experiencing perfect relationships with my self and with everyone and everything in my world.

This then is the mantra to hold on to in the coming days. Enjoy and experience life, like never before and never again, in this moment. This time, this you, this me, this magic around us. All of us.

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