Thursday, January 30, 2003


How does one explain one’s path in life? How does one know there is a story that needs to be told? That people will want to listen to my story? And even if they do, will I want to expose myself to the world? And, at what cost to my soul?

And if I do have something to say, where do I begin? Is there a real beginning? Is there a logical end? When would a personal life story be considered finished? When life is over? When there is nothing more to say? When there is nobody left to listen? When the seeking stops? And where does one begin? Beginning of life? At birth? In the womb? Did I know myself in my mother’s womb? Was I being programmed even then to behavior and reactions and affectations? Or is it when there is some accumulation of events in the memory bank? When I started having dreams and woke up crying because I was stung by a bumblebee in the park? Is it when I become self-conscious, of my body, my looks, my style? Impression Management they call it in business terms. We are taught to project ourselves very carefully. Don’t give yourself away, keep the upper hand in every relationship, only a fool wears his heart on his sleeve. Zip it up baby, we are taught, and perhaps for good reason. Because obviously everybody else is also playing the same game conditioned by similar parental and educational guidance. So, is that the beginning of my life? When I remembered not to cry in front of my father, or not to curse in front of my grandfather, or not to hold hands with girls in kindergarten, or not to emit bodily sounds or not to bathe naked with my girl cousins?

Or is that still really not my life? It is my life ‘situation’ they tell me now in books and philosophies. Your life is happening only NOW. Well, when did this Now start happening then? When was the beginning of awareness? Is analysis of what constitutes my life the beginning then? Or is it when even analysis has no meaning anymore? Awareness comes in every waking moment of life.

So, yes, perhaps that is the beginning of life as they call it. Otherwise it is still ‘My So Called Life’. These and many such questions will be answered in this page-turner. And why would you want to read it? Because there is an essential life-affirming message in this modern day gospel? Because this is a journey through innocence to angst to denial to confusion to frustration to guilt to pleasure and pain to loss to assessment to understanding to introspection to reevaluation and finally to build? Or, because there is a need every now and then for all of us to affirm the positive in creation and acknowledge that rebirth can happen in a lifetime and can be employed to salvage any given life ‘situation’.